You read a message, feel your stomach drop and immediately want to reply. Or a conversation gets heated and the words are out before you have had time to think.
If that sounds familiar, STOPP gives you a short sequence to work through: pause, notice what is happening and choose your next action. You can use it with anxiety, frustration, anger or moments when everything feels a bit too much.
Before you react, try STOPP
I talk through the five steps and how a brief pause can help you choose what to do next.
You can still feel upset and take a helpful next step. You do not need to get rid of the feeling first.
Read the key points
Pause. Take one comfortable breath. Notice your thoughts, feelings and body. Consider another way of seeing the situation. Then choose a response that will help you next.
What does STOPP stand for?
The five steps below follow the STOPP framework from Getselfhelp. You do not have to answer every question. Start with one that helps.
S — Stop
Pause before acting on the urge. Put down the phone or give yourself a moment before answering.
T — Take a breath
Take one comfortable breath and let it out gently. If breath focus is unhelpful, notice your feet on the floor instead.
O — Observe
Name the thought, feeling and urge: “I’m thinking they’re annoyed. I feel hurt. I want to send another message.”
P — Pull back
Look at the situation from a little further away. What have you actually noticed, and what are you filling in? Could there be another explanation?
P — Practise what works / Proceed
Choose an action that serves your needs and values. Consider how that choice may affect you and the situation later.
The pause gives you room to decide what to do with the feeling. Being upset does not mean you have done STOPP incorrectly.
An everyday example
Imagine a friend replies to your message with a short “OK”. You think, “They’re annoyed with me”, and start writing a long explanation.
You pause before pressing send. You notice the worry and the urge to put things right straight away. Looking again, the message tells you very little about how your friend is feeling. They could be busy, or they may simply have nothing more to add.
You decide to leave the conversation where it is and return to what you were doing. If something still needs clearing up later, you can ask directly. You may still feel uneasy, but you have chosen your response instead of automatically sending several more messages.
This is an example, rather than a rule about what every short reply means. Sometimes there is a real disagreement or a boundary that needs attention. STOPP can help you approach that conversation more deliberately too.
Make it easier to remember
Try the steps with a small everyday irritation first. Save the five words in your phone, or keep a short note somewhere you will see it. You might begin by noticing just the moment when you want to react.
If you have already replied or reacted, you can still pause and decide what would help now. That could mean returning to the conversation, clarifying what you meant or apologising for how something came across.
Keep it brief. If “pulling back” turns into going over the same thought for ages, choose one reasonable perspective and move on to an action. The thoughts on trial exercise is there if you want a more structured way to look at a recurring prediction.
When might more support help?
A coping skill is one part of looking after yourself. If strong emotions, repeated arguments, worry or avoidance are affecting your day-to-day life, it can help to understand what keeps the pattern going.
In CBT, we can work through a recent example together and find steps that fit your situation. I offer online support across the UK for people aged 16 and over. You can request a free first call if you would like to talk it through.